So I think I’ve been doing this for a week, though I think, like everything else, we’re not really respecting the boundaries of this week. We’ll define it as we want, damnit!
I will be trying to collect everything done for this ‘week’ soon, so stay tuned for super-amazing linkage.
Until then, I’m doing a bit of a wrap-up here for my own thoughts on what I want, on what desire means to me.
Sexual desire isn’t the only thing that women have been limited on. We’re expected to be restrained about food, about power, about love, about friendships, about everything. Even I worry constantly that I’ve crossed a line, that I’m bothering someone if I call too much or email too much, and I think that stems from the same place: feeling that I’ve made the fact that I want something too clear, too obvious.
Even criticisms of Hillary Clinton were often that she wanted it too badly, and while I agree with some of the critiques of the way she ran her campaign, I realized that criticizing her for “wanting it” was if not sexist, than certainly something more likely to be a negative when coming from a woman. She did want to be president. I’m sure she still does. And that’s a GOOD thing.
But what do I want?
I don’t want power, per se. I don’t like hierarchical systems and I don’t really believe in power over others. One of the reasons I had to get out of working in retail was that honestly, I hated being the boss. I hated that I couldn’t pay people more, that I had to get angry at people for missing work and that I had to yell at people (though a few of them made it easy for me!). What I do want, though, is autonomy. I want to work for myself and work for editors who work with me rather than against me. I do want to be well-known enough that I don’t have to chase people for work.
I want to have time and money for sports. I love that rush that Ren writes about here, though running never did it for me. Muay thai and krav maga and even ice skating did it for me (though I suck at the latter). I love that feeling when every muscle hurts but the endorphin rush is tremendous. There is great pleasure in physical exertion.
I want to not be ashamed of my government every single day, kthx?
I want sex without guilt involved. I don’t want someone to feel bad for being with me, or for me to feel bad or indecisive or anything else. Especially when it’s in a damn relationship, OK? And honesty helps. Really.
I want to not be ashamed of anything. Shame is for suckers, and if I’m ashamed of it, I shouldn’t be doing it. Guilt doesn’t really provide any kicks for me.
And I want everyone to be comfortable with their desires. Specifically women, but in truth we’d all be a lot better off if we were honest about that shit.
I’m not there yet myself, but I’m working on it.
me too.
not sure i could make a list yet of those things but maybe someday
“Sexual desire isn’t the only thing that women have been limited on. We’re expected to be restrained…friendships, about everything. Even I worry constantly that I’ve crossed a line, that I’m bothering someone if I call too much or email too much, and I think that stems from the same place: feeling that I’ve made the fact that I want something too clear, too obvious.”
I’m a guy, and I constantly feel all of the things you described above, so much so that’s affected my self-esteem and ability to form relationships with people. Heck, I haven’t communicated with anyone voluntarily for at least a month because I worry that I’d be bothering them. I think the feelings you described are experienced by everyone, and that maybe women have a harder time moving past those feelings than men. I don’t think men expect women in particular not to be needy, as I can’t imagine the stereotypical a guy thinking too highly of a male friend who comes off as needy all of the time. I think everyone expects everyone regardless of sex not to be needy, because at the end of the day, we think of people who are brave enough to lay their raw emotions on the table knowing they might be crushed as immature, inexperienced and sentimental instead of as honest, and we’d hate to have to see ourselves in the same harsh light.
I’m more in touch with my emotions than most guys (I think), so maybe what I think is tainted by that fact and I shouldn’t be making generalizations about all men or all people. Or maybe being mentally ill disqualifies me. I don’t know. I hope what I said makes sense to you.
nothing happened when I pressed submit, so this is a test to see if I did something wrong.