I was first inspired to write this the other day at BUST, when an innocent blog post about a party that one of the staffers attended turned into a bunch of moralistic commenters accusing a woman of being bulimic and stupid because she was pretty and a model.
Then I got back to bloglandia and Cassandra Says had this post up about beauty and complimenting other women rather than hating on them for it. She said a lot of things I wanted to say, and said them well.
And then Ren posted this and Natalia posted this, both in response to more of the usual shit from the usual suspects: ‘funfeminists’ and ’sexyfeminists’ aren’t really feminists at all, and if you read the comment thread, well it just devolved into pretty much slut-shaming and victim-blaming. And even beyond victim-blaming, blaming women who are pretty and sexual for things that happen to OTHER women, presumably those pure, pure not-fun feminists.
And I’m pissed. Good and pissed. Most of the time I’ll let things simmer for a while and come around to them when I’m not mad, but this time it just keeps making me mad. See, Ren might be OK with saying she’s not a feminist if these women are feminists, but not me. I’m going to throw this one out there instead:
It’s not fucking feminist to rip on other women for how they look.
It just isn’t. Full stop. That includes being fat or thin, old or young, able-bodied or otherwise, black, brown, white, or any other shade. It includes conventionally pretty, too. It certainly includes ‘blond[e]‘ and ‘perky-titted’ and ‘pornified’ and ’skinny.’
See, me? I’m average size and weight right now. I wear dresses and skirts and occasionally high heels. I wrote a long post about “My Feminism” which ended with two pictures of me. I could add a lot more pictures, though. I’ve been thin and I’ve been fat. I’ve had hair short and long, blonde, red, brown and black. I have glasses, and I wear contacts most of the time. I have collarbones that stuck out even when I was at my heaviest, and I had a really rotten battle with acne that struck not in my teens, but in my mid-twenties.
Right now, though, I fit into a lot of people’s definition of a pretty girl, and I’m not going to be fucking bashed for it. I’m not going to be embarrassed about saying that, either. Fuck you if you want to shame me.
It’s just not OK to assume a woman has an eating disorder because she’s thin. It’s certainly not OK to use that as a weapon to wound women. Eating disorders fucking kill people. They’re not something you joke about, and they aren’t a goddamn insult
It’s not OK to tell me that when I step outside the house, I’m making a political statement so I better damn well be wearing clothing that you find properly feminist. How is that, please tell me, any different than my ex-fiance telling me that I looked like a slut in that top? Oh, see, he was doing it in the name of his religion, and you’re doing it in the name of radical feminism? He had a penis and you don’t?
It is ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY not OK to blame women who wear certain clothes and perform certain activities for rape and assault. I don’t give a shit who you are and how much Dworkin you’ve read, it’s not my miniskirt’s fault that men rape. It’s not my hair dye’s fault that men rape.
You don’t get to judge me. You don’t get to judge the women who do burlesque dancing, or hardcore porn. You don’t get to judge Ren, or Natalia, or Cassandra. You don’t fucking have any more right to do that than men do.
If you care so goddamn much about women and their liberation, how about you stop trying to tell them how fucked up they are and try and help them for a change?
And if women have no agency under patriarchy and can’t make their own decisions, how the fuck are you so enlightened?
You know, I have a (yes, male, so what?) who pointed out that certain types of feminism seem more like attempts to get payback than genuine attempts at liberation. Shit like this makes me think he’s right, because they seem more about picking on the pretty girls than actually about feminism. Seen Jawbreaker or Mean Girls? Yeah, that shit. Except with the justification that it’s somehow for the good of womankind?
Save it.
And kiss my Hustler-underwear-clad ass. 
“That first one wasn’t me, actually, it was NAW as well. For me, yeah, the unhealthiest sexual interactions I’ve both had and known were in the context of heterosexual, supposedly committed relationships.”
Okay… for me, by far the weirdest and most uncomfortable dynamics happened when I dated a woman. Which was really weird and isolating, because there’s a whole body of OMG THEORY!!eleventytwo that says men are trained to relate with women in harmful ways and women aren’t. So when you’re with a woman and it’s worse, you start to wonder if you’re crazy. Or I did, anyway.
Totally.
Idealizing lesbian relationships is something so many of us do–how many times have we heard straight women (I know I’ve done it) joke that they’re going to switch to women. Man, I can just look at my friendships to note that women do at least as much harm to one another as men do to women, emotionally. Maybe the physical abuse and rape statistics are different, but women fuck other women up emotionally all the time.
like the shit that was going on in that thread at IBTP, f’rinstance.
But the thing is, even if those statistics are different, it makes me really uncomfortable the way that gets used to say that only certain kinds of relationship are “the problem.” Which is why, y’know, I’m starting to like that fad going around of talking about “the kyriarchy” rather than “the patriarchy”…
“I think the sex act that is unfeminist is one that you don’t enjoy doing. That’ll be different for everyone.” Word! You say many sound and savvy and thought-provoking things, but that’s especially brilliant. (Except, dammit, that it shouldn’t be brilliant, it ought to be glaringly obvious.)
Sunflower
QE: dish! what’s she like?! is she really “not not a woman?” cause that was HAWT, you know.
Okay, Emily and Belle made me spew my coffee.